Dr. Squatch - It's Easy!

I saw a job posting on LinkedIn for a creative producer role at Dr. Squatch. I wrote this sketch to accompany my resume.

The goal would be to push their medium form content in a new direction – away from the shiny, "bro-y", advertisements I am constantly seeing. For me, this sketch works because it shows a company that doesn't take itself too seriously. It's like, "Hey... we're selling soap. It's pretty good, but at the end of the day – its still soap."

I feel like most people aren't fooled when they see buy-this-product-and-it-will-change-your-life advertising (for Dr. Squatch its "use these products and you'll be a real man / get the girl.) At the very least this bit would speak to my generation. Anyone who grew up with Magic Hug's Paper Towels video; Kyle, Beck, and Nick's Good Neighbor Stuff; or fuck, even Nickelodeon.

Anyway, here's the sketch. Ignore the formatting.

Dr. Squatch -- It’s Easy!

TOMMY BAYS, 35, stands behind a large table on a soundstage against a plain backdrop. He wears khaki slacks, a plain collared-shirt, and a black microphone headset. A display of Dr. Squatch All-Natural Soap is the only thing on the table. He speaks directly to the studio cameras with a slight Boston accent and an approximation of enthusiasm.

TOMMY
Hey everyone, Tommy Bays here and boy do I have a deal for you. Dr. Squatch’s Amazing All-Natural Soap. And this stuff really works.

TOMMY takes out a jar labeled “DIRT” and starts to shake it onto his hand like it’s powdered sugar.

TOMMY
Look at this, you got dirt all over your hands. It’s everywhere. You’re calling up your friends, “Hey sorry friends, I can’t come over, I got dirt on my hands.” Not anymore! Dr. Squatch.

TOMMY grabs a bar of soap.

TOMMY
Rub it on your hand and the dirt comes right off. Dr. Squatch.

He dunks his hand in a clear tub of water.

TOMMY
Look at this -- no more dirt. It’s easy.

TOMMY
And that’s not all. There's tons of stuff you can do with this soap. You can throw it across the room, you can carve a duck. You can put it in a box and ship it to your brother. It's a bookmark. I love this stuff. I just smell it.

He sniffs the bar.

TOMMY (soft)
Smells like pine.

TOMMY
You can wash your dog, you can wash your cat, it doesnt matter -- It’s natural. Get two of them and rub ‘em together.

He rubs them vigorously.

TOMMY
Look at that. Look at that.

He drops one.

TOMMY
“Oh no, I dropped the soap!” No I didn't. Just pick it right back up – it’s easy. Dr. Squatch. And the ladies? They love this stuff. In fact, let’s get a random lady to give us a smell check. Lisa come on out here.
(beat)
Come on Lisa. Get out here.

LISA, 20, pushed encouragingly by someone’s HAND, walks out from backstage, looking confused.

TOMMY
There she is. Lisa did you have any idea that you would be on the show today?

LISA
No.

TOMMY
And we’ve never met before this right?

LISA
I work for you.

TOMMY
Alright, give this a smell and tell me what you think.

LISA sniffs the bar.

LISA
It smells good.

TOMMY (to camera)
And it’s good FOR you too.

Lisa continues to stand there awkwardly, shooting glances to her coworkers off stage. TOMMY addresses the camera again.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Dr. Squatch is all natural meaning the ingredients are natural. This soap isn’t made out of soap, it’s made from food like oatmeal. It’s packed with vitamins and minerals, like sand. You won’t be able to get enough of this stuff, I’m telling you. And right now you can get our Squatch Bundle for the low, low price of $24.99!

Price and information appear on screen, like an old infomercial. LISA slinks out of frame.

TOMMY
Just call the toll free number, or go to www.drsquatch.com to claim yours today. But hurry! This stuff is selling out like crazy and Dr. Squatch is NOT happy about it.

DR. SQUATCH, a Sasquatch wearing a stethoscope, is chained up on a different stage. A spot light hits him as he struggles against the wrist cuffs.

DR.SQUATCH
GRaAghgaaaa!

TOMMY
We had to lock him up because he does NOT want us to sell his stuff. He said it’s all he has left. He says he needs his soap to stay clean, and the only reason he even went to school to become a doctor was to invent a soap that was JUST for a Sasquatch and not for humans at all.

DR.SQUATCH breaks free from his manacles. He charges the stage and grabs TOMMY from behind wrestling him to the ground. TOMMY, still holding a bar of soap, is dragged out of sight. And then– TOMMY throws the soap. DR. SQUATCH chases it, picks it up and runs off the set.

TOMMY stands up, breathing heavy. He calms.

TOMMY
You can use it as a diversion, you can save your own life with this soap, I’m telling you guys. It’s just that simple. Dr. Squatch. Call now and get yours today.

The camera is violently knocked over. Dr. Squatch's feet are seen running toward the stage again.

End.